Missions, my hearts desire.

I am going to Africa... I have said that to myself 100 times a day for the last few days, but just doesn't seem to be sinking in. It is like this distant "thing" that completely overwhelms me.

I remember the day in June of '97 when I decided that missions was where I belonged. Before that day I was actually anti-missions. It was great for other people, but I wanted no part of it...period. Then one day - flip - my heart just changed and there was nothing I wanted more.

I went to Peru a few times, thinking that was were God was leading me, but that was not the right place or the right time. Just in case God changed His mind, I went to the 4 year Bible Institute (SSM) and graduated in 2005. I wanted to be prepared, "just in case." By the time I graduated, I felt as though I has less direction than when I started....not in a bad way, just not sure where God was taking me and why.

So here I am 3 years after SSM and 7 years after Peru, pricing plan tickets to Africa for a 2 1/2 month visit. I don't know what to expect, why Africa? Why Kafulafuta? What I am going to do there? Will I go back long term? (yikes!) Those are all questions I have been asked and all questions I can't really answer. I just know that God has opened doors that I am to go through...He has made it so obvious that this is what He wants, I couldn't ignore it if I tried. Every prayer answered....quickly. I prayed for verses of confirmation and they came...quickly. I prayed for the approval of my pastor/church, and got it....quickly. The financing came....quickly. I prayed that if this is not God's BEST plan for my life, that it not happen. I don't want good or better, or for God to give me over to my desires, that are not His desires. I want what He wants.

The Word is Alive!

When God moves, He moves... This week has been a crazy whirlwind, and I am not even sure where to start. This has been one of the most stretching years of my life, lost jobs, friends moving, people dying, spiritual warfare like never before. All I have been able to think is, "what are you doing Lord?? Everything has gone CRAZY!!" I don't have any other choice but to keep moving forward....I mean, I guess I could "quit." The thing is...even if I did quit, my God would not. So what do you do? I mean really! What do you do?

The only thing I can think of, is to hold tight to the one who created me, stop asking "why?" open the Word and read about His love for me. How "all things work together for the good of those that love Him (Rom 8:28), He is my Light, Salvation, and the Strength of my life (Ps 27:1), He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee (I Chron 28:20), He has given me rest on every side (I Chron 22:18), He is with me whithersoever I go (Josh 1:9), He is my Hope and the health of my countenance (Ps 42:11), He leads me in a plain path because of mine enemies (Ps 27:11), He set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings (Ps 40:2), He has put a new song in my mouth (Ps 40:3), His lovingkindness and truth continually preserve me (Ps 40:11), and He is good; for his mercy endureth for ever (Jer 33:11)."

Those are just a fraction of the verses God has showed me this year to be my comfort, support, and let me know that there is a purpose for all things and all seasons. The trials made life difficult, but God's word became alive because I had to depend on them to get to the next day (without losing my sanity :~).

This week has been a little bit different than all of the other weeks this year. I am starting to see part of God's plan for my life open up....not just His plan, because every day is a part of His plan, but I am talking about HIS PLAN as in the things I have prayed for and hoped for, the burden of my heart. It has been a week of watching God move and just being in awe watching so many things come together, and come together FAST. It is awesome and scary and overwhelming and humbling...

I am at that point where fear and faith collide...I can walk through the door He has opened, trusting that He is my creator and protector and that THIS is His plan for this time in my life, or I can be afraid, over-think, over-analyze, and let fear have its way and stay home.

STREEEETCHED...

Well, life has been an adventure lately... This year has definitely had its trials, but on the flip side, God has been there every step of the way preparing me for what comes next. There is a side of me that wants to sit here an list everything that has gone "wrong" this year, but the other side of me just says "where would I be without the trials I have been through?" I don't think that I can begin to explain how much more I trust the Lord with my life than I did before. There are no words that could do it justice. I just know that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and has compassion for me that I don't understand the depth of. I am this fleshy mess that He sent his son to die on a cross for, so that he could be buried and raise again on the third day. He gained victory by giving his life and raising again, so I get that victory. He is powerful, so because I am His, I get that power too. He sees Christ in me because of His infinite mercy and grace, and I get to be seated in Heavenly places.

Losing my job has been one of the big ones... I really liked my job and fit it very well. I worked with other believers, and had been friends with most of them for years before I started working there. It is hard to lose a job like that. You don't just lose your paycheck, but friends and ministry....

I had many blessings through it all though....

• The Lord started detaching me from my job two months before I was laid off. (long story)


• God actually had me praying for a job change without my knowledge. (strange, but true)


• My car was paid off the week I was let go. (and my debt was paid off, except one credit card).


• I have the opportunity to pay very low rent where I live, and the people I live with are good friends too. (more like family)


• When the spiritual warfare started, God put several good friends around me who have been through very similar things, so they were able to point me in the right direction when I wasn't sure which way was up.


• My pastor preached sermons divinely appointed only for me, like, 6 times in a row. Five Sundays and a Tues prayer meeting. I could have sworn the man had been reading my journal.


• The Word of God and prayer. Above all, this has been my saving grace.

God's word. I have never trusted it more. It is literally the key to the trials of life. All of His promises are there. Nothing happens out of His control.....good or bad. He wants to bless us and He wants to teach us. Honestly, I have not enjoyed the last month of my life. It has been a hard road to walk, but I have come to a point where I know that apart from God, I can do nothing. Everything I do, I need Him. If I don't have Him in on it, it is me trying to do it and it will be messed up. Every day I have to wake up and choose Him over me....and I want to choose Him over me. I am a mess without His hand on my life and His peace in my heart and mind.

Below are a few of the verses I am standing on right now. Interestingly enough, these are some of the verses that I was praying/fasting for a good friend of mine the day my world "hit the fan."

• Lam 3:22-26 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. [It is of] the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. [They are] new every morning: great [is] thy faithfulness. The LORD [is] my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD [is] good unto them that wait for him, to the soul [that] seeketh him. [It is] good that [a man] should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.


• 1Chron 28:20 And David said to Solomon his son, Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD.
  
• 1Chron 22:18-19 Is not the LORD your God with you? and hath he not given you rest on every side? for he hath given the inhabitants of the land into mine hand; and the land is subdued before the LORD, and before his people. Now set your heart and your soul to seek the LORD your God; arise therefore, and build ye the sanctuary of the LORD God, to bring the ark of the covenant of the LORD, and the holy vessels of God, into the house that is to be built to the name of the LORD.
  
• Josh 1:8 This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. Josh 1:9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
  
• Psa 42:11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
  
• Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?


• Psalm 27:2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.


• Psalm 27:3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.


• Psalm 27:4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.


• Psalm 27:5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.


• Psalm 27:6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.


• Psalm 27:7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.


• Psalm 27:8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.


• Psalm 27:11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.


• Psalm 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
  
• Psa 40:1 I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.


• Psa 40:2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.


• Psa 40:3 And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.


• Psa 40:4 Blessed is that man that maketh the LORD his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.


• Psa 40:5 Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.


• Psa 40:8 I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.


• Psa 40:11 Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O LORD: let thy lovingkindness and thy truth continually preserve me.


• Psa 40:12 For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me.


• Psa 40:13 Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me: O LORD, make haste to help me.


• Psa 40:17 But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

I Choose...

It's quite. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. the day is coming.

In a few moments, the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of the solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to beat to the day's demands. It is not I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose.

I choose love...

No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.

Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy...

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance,

I will refuse the temptation to be cynical... The toll of the lazy thinker.

I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God.

I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace...

I will live forgiven.

I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose patience...

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.

Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so.

Rather than complain that the wait is too long,

I will thank God for a moment to pray.

Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness...

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid.

And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness...

I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness...

Today I will keep my promises.

My debtors will not regret their trust.

My associates will not question my word.

My spouse will not question my love.

And my children will never fear that one of their parents may not come home.

I choose gentleness...

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.

If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise.

If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer.

If I make a demand, may it only be of myself.

I am a spiritual being...

After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.

I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal.

I choose self-control, I will be drunk only by joy,

I will be impassioned only by my faith.

I will be influenced only by God.

I will be taught only by Christ.

I choose self-control.

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

To these I commit my day.

If I succeed, I will give thanks.

If I fail, I will seek His grace.

And then, when the day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

"...the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..."

May your life be blessed in Jesus.

Bearing the Burden

Sometimes I forget about all that the cross represents. It represents death, resurrection, sin, forgiveness, old life and new life....eternal life. In order for me to have such a precious gift, someone had to bear the weight of my sin and sacrifice for it. It is humbling to just write it. I don't deserve it, none of us do.

I started really thinking about all of this when I was reading in Numbers 11:10-17.

Num 11:10-17 Then Moses heard the people weep throughout their families, every man in the door of his tent: and the anger of the LORD was kindled greatly; Moses also was displeased. ~11 And Moses said unto the LORD, Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant? and wherefore have I not found favour in thy sight, that thou layest the burden of all this people upon me? ~12 Have I conceived all this people? have I begotten them, that thou shouldest say unto me, Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land which thou swarest unto their fathers? ~13 Whence should I have flesh to give unto all this people? for they weep unto me, saying, Give us flesh, that we may eat. ~14 I am not able to bear all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me. ~15 And if thou deal thus with me, kill me, I pray thee, out of hand, if I have found favour in thy sight; and let me not see my wretchedness. ~16 And the LORD said unto Moses, Gather unto me seventy men of the elders of Israel, whom thou knowest to be the elders of the people, and officers over them; and bring them unto the tabernacle of the congregation, that they may stand there with thee. ~17 And I will come down and talk with thee there: and I will take of the spirit which is upon thee, and will put it upon them; and they shall bear the burden of the people with thee, that thou bear it not thyself alone.

Moses was suffering under the weight of the sin (lusts) of the Nation of Israel and he could not bear it all. The LORD told him to gather 70 elders and they would stand with him to bear the burden. God allowed Moses to share the burden of a million people with 70 other men.

In Mark 14:31 Jesus starts to feel the burden of what the Father has asked him to do and prays 3 times, for this cup to pass by him if it is possible, but God's will be done. His answer was different than that of Moses's. He was left to bear the burdens alone....and not just for a million people, but all of the weight of all of the sins of all of the people who were, are and are to come.

Sometimes I don't think I can bear the weight of just my own sins??? Jesus took on all past, present and future sins while hanging on the cross supported only by nails securing his hands and feet to the wood. No wonder he "gave up the ghost" more quickly than the two thieves on either side of him. He didn't die from the weight of his own body handing on the cross, he died from the suffocation of our sins.

Beautiful Christian Sister

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER by Maya Angelou 'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.' When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin.' 'I'm whispering 'I was lost, now I'm found and forgiven.' When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide. When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on. When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess. When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect, my flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it. When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name. When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!'

Another One Bites the Dust...

Marriages.... Every time I turn around another one is ending. Why? What is the deal? I know that marriage is not easy, no close relationship is. It takes a lot of hard work, but if God is the center of your life why can't people make it work? How do you get so far away for so long that you would give it all up, including your own children. When you make that choice, you destroy their lives....literally. Are there REALLY that many selfish people in this world, that they just don't care about their spouse and their children? Then there is God, how could someone break his heart that way? Years of investment in thier spouse and children and they throw it all away because they aren't happy? Since when do seasons of life, not end.

I have had some pretty bad times in my life. Some of them were such that I didn't know if I would ever smile again, but it was a season....sometimes a long one, but a season non-the-less. I understand tough times, but throwing it all away? Why?

Overwhelmed...

I once heard someone define overwhelmed as "trying to get a sip of water from a fire hydrant."

That would be a fabulous description for these past couple of weeks. Talk about spiritual warfare. This week, especially, the LORD seems to be stripping me of things I thought I knew. I should say "arrogantly" thought I knew; physically, spiritually and mentally. It seems as if I am back to the basics of my faith. My journal this week contains entries about faith, prayer, letting God be, casting down imaginations and thinking on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely. There are no entries revealing and new deep and hidden truths or revelations.....just the basics.

It amazes me how my Heavenly Father knows what is coming in my life and is gracious enough to prepare me for it. My journal is fill with verses and old verses re-visited over the last couple of weeks that are things I am clinging to for comfort this week. He knew, He cared, He prepared, He comforts. Below are just a couple of the verses God has shown me this week. Last Tuesday at a prayer meeting the pastor mentioned these verses and said that we are to RUN to the the Rock of our Salvation. Don't be lazy and walk run to Him, whether it be on your own behalf or someone else that is hurting in need. Per 1Sa 12:23 "God forbid that I should sin against the LORD in ceasing to pray for you:"

Psa 62:5-8 "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. ~6 He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. ~7 In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. ~8 Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah."